2012 brings us to a shiny, undamaged year. One of uncertainty and excitement. The kind that almost makes you piddle. What can we expect with this layer of 365 virgin time? Well, we’ve used our super computers to figure out EXACTLY what we can look forward to. Get ready to piddle a little more.

In the race to end the World, Apple will beat the Mayans by one month with the creation of the iPocalyse. After proving Steve Jobs patented the end of time during an odd moment in the 80s, Apple successfully sues the Mayans who in turn go into hiding in order to avoid paying the over-sized settlement. The news of the end of the World is then overshadowed by the news of the soon to be released iPad 3

After overwhelming ignorance and the support of GoDaddy, the internet is now finger-cuffed by The Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), also known as H.R. 3261, the bill that was introduced in the United States House of Representatives who believe they can access internet from deep inside their own colons. This web prohibition gives birth to a whole new line of hillbilly ISPs who offer illegal internet from dialupstilleries hidden in the back-back woods. NASCAR still sucks.

Turns out SIRI, like my exgirlfriend, is a dirty little whore.

The now Ex-Mrs. Kutcher has finally given into the internet-not-peer pressure and changed her twitter name. But after learning her current name was no longer available, she returns to her birth name “Crackpants Mcjellostain”