Palm Springs, Florida — Drawing ire from traditional Democratic allies and members of their own constituency, leaders of the AARP endorsed a plan being debated in the Senate to have every American citizen fitted with an age-determining crystal, the kind used in the 1976 sci-fi cult classic Logan’s Run. As in the cheesy Michael York vehicle, when a person turns thirty his or her crystal will turn red, and he or she will take part in a joyful ritual akin to the “Carousel” scenes in that movie, when the older people are blown up in a flying ballet of pyrotechnics.
“Sure, it’s not a perfect bill,” admitted AARP chief executive officer William Novelli on Meet the Press, “but people over fifty can’t wait for a perfect bill to receive some of these benefits. Certainly, the prospect of being blown up at Carousel is daunting, but that aspect of the plan doesn’t go into effect until 2006, at which point there is the option of ‘renewal,’ wherein someone who is blown up gets a voucher for reincarnation. We negotiated long and hard for that renewal benefit. The Senate leadership has come a long way and listened a lot to what we had to say.”
Almost all the Democratic presidential candidates denounced the plan, as did House Minority Leader House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle. Still, it seems likely the bill will pass without filibuster from the Democrats. The only Democrats standing up for the Logan’s Run bill are Zell Miller of Georgia and the robot Box, who was quoted as saying, “I am more than man! More than machine! My birds! My beautiful birds!”
Tom Fielding, 26, an independent voter in New Hampshire, likes the plan. Said Fielding, “You know, I thought the Baby Boomers were just going to keep demanding more benefits as they grew older, without paying for anything. In fact, I thought they were going to legislate a geriatric society, making mine a debt-ridden slave generation. Now I see they’re more self-sacrificing. Sure, things will get hairy when I turn thirty, but I figure I can just become a runner and look for ‘Sanctuary.’ Yes, I’m afraid of the ‘sandmen,’ but at least their futuristic flare-guns shoot some sort of energy blob that’s a lot slower than bullets, so I think I could escape.”
Upon hearing this, Sandman Francis7 bellowed, “RUNNER!!!”
Much has been made of the “Sanctuary” loophole, regarding some mystical land which allows immunity from execution, but ex-Sandman Logan5 was quick to quash any misconceptions, yelling, “THERRRE ISSSS NOOOOO SAAANCTUAARRRRY!” Somehow, this caused the giant computer that rules us to crash, and chaos has ensued.
